We truly are beautifully and wonderfully made. And horribly ourselves from the beginning. I enjoy the strength and grounded sense of self that have been the cornerstones of my person from day one. And I continue to try to compensate for and/or make peace with my complete lack of empathy.
Sometimes, on days like today, I feel as though I turn around and am suddenly face to face with that fact. It's not surprising or hugely disappointing even. It just is. And I say, "Oh. Right. This is true. Now what?" Then I reach for grace and divine understanding. I ask The Big Good Thing to help me be bigger and gooder. I work hard and I try to care. Sometimes I just pretend to care for awhile, while I pray like hell for actual caring to enter my heart at some point. Usually it does. But oh goodness, some days it is a lot of work.
What do you mean by complete lack of empathy? I know it's something you talk about, but it's not something I have ever thought about you. Do you mean empathetic about the big issues of the world or the small issues of people you don't know? Both? Neither?
ReplyDeleteI maintain that you have more empathy than you say you do. I know it doesn't come naturally to you but you have cultivated it over the last few years, and I KNOW that you feel deeply for your friends when they are suffering. I have experienced that from you.
ReplyDeleteNot to totally minimize this blog post because I like the way you are thinking about this. You know yourself well, and it is so good and healthy to be honest about who you are.
I think this post though isn't about how I act. I work hard to be kind and understanding and I do think that I've been gifted with perception (maybe to balance the lack of empathy). And I do feel sad or upset for my friends sometimes; there is a sense of natural empathy there. But it truly isn't my natural instinct. Somtimes I can't understand why people get so worked up about things. even people I really care about. They start to bother me. The ability that I have to let things roll off my back is really the fact that it's easy for me not to care. I don't secretly care and decide to let it go. I really don't care.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, I've worked really hard to be compassionate. You must remember though, Jess, what I was like it high school and before. It's been a struggle, but one I think is important and good.
I really do love the people that I love and I want them to know that I care about them. That's why, when I start to get bothered by how upset they get, I pretend to care and I pray for real caring to begin. I think it does.
Okay, I totally get this about you. I guess I just have never thought of you as a person who LACKS feeling, but this definitely makes sense to me.
ReplyDeleteLast month, I remember having a conversation with you about something that was really upsetting to me, and I asked what you would do if you were in my place, and you were like, "Well, I would just not really care and move on." And that statement didn't hurt my feelings, but it made me think a lot. Because it's true. I think that if you had been in my shoes, the whole situation wouldn't have mattered in the first place because you are you, and you internalize life and people much differently than I do.
And I really like that, Lisa. I think it's awesome. You actually really inspired me that day, not to be someone other than who I am, not to stop caring, but to remember that we are fiercely ourselves and that not every ugly thing has to matter to the point of losing oneself.
I like you.
That last paragraph is so lovely. I like you too, fiercely. :)
ReplyDeleteI totally forgot to check back on this for additional comments but now I did...and I just love you guys. And our friendships.
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