Friday, September 26, 2014

Adult Shtuff

There are days when I feel that I am rocking this whole grown-up thing.

Exhibit A:  List O' Things

  1. Went to the doctor for an annual physical exam and got a flu shot!
  2. Scheduled a bill payment and had a conversation with Father about investment
  3. Put away dishes and washed other dishes
  4. Made french toast with homemade challah bread with husband
  5. Did laundry!

Exhibit B:  List O' Other Things
  1. Had a solo and delicious breakfast
  2. Practiced deep, calming breaths
  3. Delighted in the return of well-loved TV shows
  4. Had long talks with old friend and good mom
  5. Biked around Sauvie Island and felt happy and healthy 
This is a day in which I feel proud of myself.  There was a lovely mix of important grown-up accomplishments, guilt-free downtime, refreshing activity and personal connection.  

Thank you Lady for days like this!  Not so rare now, but always fully appreciated.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Working it Out

My mind was wide open this afternoon, unable to focus, like dilated pupils trying to read a blackboard.  I felt once again like time was a great, rushing river, racing away from me.  I came home on a bike, aware of the benefit of my hilly peddling, yet still off-kilter.  Cue instinctive reach for a glass of water in the garden in the cloudy evening light.  A little attentive focus on the breath, a little observation of my body and the world around me and something inside settled down.  My mind re-focused, my insides un-clenched.  Lovely - those quiet moments of returning to self.  

Once again, I need to remember, to live in the idea that time is infinite and every moment lasts forever.  I skip ahead so frequently and it does me harm.  It harms me.  Here I am, observing my life in this moment. 
  • Warm lamp light
  • Spinning ceiling fan
  • The sound of Peter's voice in the other room
  • The feel of my toe separators, separating away
  • Breath in
  • Breath out
I am not at work.  I am not in Friday.  I am not in next week.  I am here.  I am in my bedroom writing this, writing this.  

Fall is a time of settling down and I need it.  I'm returning to a little more yoga and it's helping.  I am in need of centered awareness, of self-settling.  Breath in and out.  Observe the breath.  Return to self.

Monday, September 8, 2014

The Last Five Years. And the Next!

I'm a multiples of five kind of girl.  Love me some 5s, 10s and 15s.  This Fall marks the five-year anniversary of my re-start in Portland.  Five years ago I started dating this lovely man named Peter.  Five years ago I began teaching theater to tiny tots.  Some things change; others stay the same.

I met with the Moon tonight.  The wind blew and the season changed and the Moon rose and I realized, as good-intentioned as it may have begun, I do myself no favors by worrying about "them" anymore.  It's over for "them."  No more worrying about what "they" think and what "they" might lose.  I am responsible for this big beautiful self of mine and I get to focus on the bright and beautiful road that I have to travel now.  The Moon pulled that strong self up in me - if She can heave the vast ocean in to shore, imagine the effect on my primal and powerful self when She is big and round and O-So-Near!  

The Return of the Haiku! 

Rising like a red
balloon, she skims the High School, 
Impossible Size.

Straight back, strong body,
I let her in.  Hands, heart,
all my eyes open.

Selfish selfishness.
Suddenly reimagined:
Radical self-care.

I'm storing up all
my rage for good use in some
future time.  It leaks.

I'm finding candles, 
at intervals, "follow me!"
I see my own voice.