Monday, September 28, 2009

Day By Day

There's a song that I sing to myself during those days when everything seems overwhelming and never-ending. It's from the finale of a musical called Avenue Q and it's called "For Now." At first glance it may seem depressing - nothing lasts forever! - but it helps me breathe and gives me hope. Hope that things will not stay the same, that things will change. Here are some of the lyrics:

Nothing lasts,
Life goes on,
Full of surprises.
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...

But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

Each time you smile...
It'll only last a while.
Life may be scary...
But it's only temporary

Everything in life is only for now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in a place where everything is frozen the way that it is right now. and that is terrifying. terrifying and untrue. Thank goodness. Nothing lasts forever. I once wrote in my London journal, "Time goes by because that's what it does. And we move along because we must." I like this because it's not an empty promise, like, "Things will work out." Sometimes they don't. And hearing that doesn't comfort me. But Things Will Change. That is true. And it is so hopeful.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

i have such vivid thoughts and i construct such complex mental scenarios that sometimes i can't remember what i've actually done and what i've actually said. i think i have memories of events and conversations that never happened.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

screw it. (updated and unprofane!)

my room is always a pretty good indication of my mental state. when i get the occasional organizational spasm, my room gets swept and tucked and fluffed to within an inch of its life. when i'm normal to crazy, my room is cluttery: my clothes are all over the floor, the contents of my purse are scattered across my bed, there's dirty dishes on the dresser, half the drawers are open, there's an uneaten donut underneath my's pretty ridiculous (i have since thrown away the donut). and, as always, i have no motivation to do anything about it. i can sit here and look around and think about picking everything up, but i'm not going to do it. i'm not sure i can do it. i mean, i will. just not today. see? ridiculous.

i think what it comes down to is that i am Unsettled with a capital U. i am unsettlingly unsettled about everything in my life right now. and oh gosh! i really am trying to live in the process and breathe and drink and own this in-between place, but it's not easy and it's not very fun. i'm unbalanced, unimpressed, unexcited, unmotivated and Unsettled. i always wanted to be this adventurous, go where the wind takes me kind of person, and in some ways i am. i just like to be settled wherever the wind drops me. that's when i'm really happy. and then adventures go from that settled place where my mugs are. i want a place for my mugs - which is the other thing it comes down to.

mugs. mugs that will hold the tea that future me will make for myself one evening in my own future place where the rent is paid from money made at that future job that i will go to every day in the future. oh gosh. i'm tired of having that be so hazy and away out there in front of me. i want it tangible and right in front of my face. easy enough to reach out and take for myself. one day, one day. until then - unsettledness. and a messy room.


choir makes me giddy. giddygiddygiddy. as giddy as an infatuated middle school girl. or tim palmer. :)

tonight i went to choir rehearsal. i can't even remember the name of it, something oregon. but the director is a lovely lady and i felt a little thrill when she said, "pick up to measure 41." oh choir-speak! how i've missed thee! and there was jordan in the back row, flip flopping back and forth between first and second tenor and an elderly lady attempting in vain to sing a high A. dear woman, i don't think you were able to hit that even long ago when you had a young voice. give up the dream and move down to second soprano territory. we have fun here! but she wouldn't.

i have other things to write about. but not right now. tonight is a my giddy night. HIMYM premiered its fifth season and Neil Patrick Harris is as wonderful and unattainable as ever. dear goodness i love him. and that show. how is it possible to be so happy over the lives of fictional characters? it's an unanswerable mystery in my life.

choir choir choir choir choir choir.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D D: D: D:D :D :D :D D: D: D:D :D :D : D: D: D:D :D D: :D:d;d;dko;jciejfowenranklefnfinwaerclamamlm dafjewfjalwcjr9wujfoielKD,jdhlsj;d[

like i said: giddy.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I Like to Write

I like to write and I love to edit. I love typing and backspacing and re-writing and saying exactly what it is that I mean to say. It's a delightful feeling. And one that I can't get in my process-y mess of a journal. So, a blog. Jessica has one and it is my favorite thing in the world. I like it. I like the idea of sharing creativity. And venting about Starbucks moms. Oh moms. It's fun and funny. Hi Jessica. :) You inspired me.