my room is always a pretty good indication of my mental state. when i get the occasional organizational spasm, my room gets swept and tucked and fluffed to within an inch of its life. when i'm normal to crazy, my room is cluttery: my clothes are all over the floor, the contents of my purse are scattered across my bed, there's dirty dishes on the dresser, half the drawers are open, there's an uneaten donut underneath my desk....it's pretty ridiculous (i have since thrown away the donut). and, as always, i have no motivation to do anything about it. i can sit here and look around and think about picking everything up, but i'm not going to do it. i'm not sure i can do it. i mean, i will. just not today. see? ridiculous.
i think what it comes down to is that i am Unsettled with a capital U. i am unsettlingly unsettled about everything in my life right now. and oh gosh! i really am trying to live in the process and breathe and drink and own this in-between place, but it's not easy and it's not very fun. i'm unbalanced, unimpressed, unexcited, unmotivated and Unsettled. i always wanted to be this adventurous, go where the wind takes me kind of person, and in some ways i am. i just like to be settled wherever the wind drops me. that's when i'm really happy. and then adventures go from that settled place where my mugs are. i want a place for my mugs - which is the other thing it comes down to.
mugs. mugs that will hold the tea that future me will make for myself one evening in my own future place where the rent is paid from money made at that future job that i will go to every day in the future. oh gosh. i'm tired of having that be so hazy and away out there in front of me. i want it tangible and right in front of my face. easy enough to reach out and take for myself. one day, one day. until then - unsettledness. and a messy room.
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