Peter and I got a gift certificate to Red Robin for Christmas, so we went there tonight and had a very nice time. While we were waiting for our check to be processed I watched the large party at the long table next to us. I think it was a going away party with work friends. They were all women except for one man, who seemed to be a co-worker, and his family. I started watching them when the first few women arrived, all older and very friendly with one another. Then this family arrived and I watched them so intensely that I'm surprised no turned and glared at me. The wife sat at the far corner of the table, with a small girl between her and her husband, who was seated next to and across from his co-workers. Their two older sons(as in late and mid-elementary school) were seated at the end of the table with their mom. Right away the couple made an interesting impression because the woman was tall and heavy and the man was very short and slight with a sort of little dog look about him. He was engaged in conversation with his co-workers while his wife did her mom thing at the end of the table. I instantly felt that she was very isolated over there. She wasn't next to or even near any of the other women, and even her husband was separated from her by this tiny girl tot. At one point he turned to say something to her and I overheard her say something like, "go ahead and talk to your people," which felt to me and my biased observation like a deliberate continuation of her isolation.
I know nothing about this woman and her life. Why did I feel so struck by her position at the end of that table? Maybe it comes back to that association I have in my mind with "pregnant" and "trapped." She looked so boxed out. Or would that be boxed in?
I wish I could watch some of you reading this. :) You have such different associations with the word "pregnant" than I do. I'm so glad.
Somehow though, I don't think this was about that for me. I don't think it had anything to do with me wanting or not wanting kids someday. Because that would never be me if I chose that route. I would have left the kids with Grandma or stayed at home. So, if not that, then what?
I didn't like that man. I wanted him to move his wife over. Be less a part of his office and more a part of his family. I realize this is very unfair. But I will never know him or tell him these things. They're just in my head(and now on this blog).
Goodness, what was that all about?
Wow, that's an interesting picture. Gotta say, I don't like that man either. Knowing absolutely nothing about him or her or what their marriage is like or anything else.......but it just sounds like a sad relationship to be in.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote out this whole thing about motherhood (because you know I am one of those people who hears the word "pregnant" and gets a little giddy with anticipation...opposite end of the spectrum here), and then realized that wasn't the point of the post at all. But I did recently stumble upon a blog that I think you should look at. The author is funny and intelligent and thoughtful and swears a lot, and I think if you ever did decide to have kids, you would be something like this as a mother: http://www.suburbansnapshots.com/
Anyway, I love you. And I like reading your thoughts. And someday when you are “Aunt Lisa” to my millions of babies (KIDDING!), I will make you take them for the evening so my husband and I can go out for dinner and make out in the car uninterrupted.
Several possibilities:
ReplyDelete1.) He's a doo-doo head.
2.) They had a fight and are using children/co-workers as shields. She makes herself the "mother-martyr". Wallowing in her isolation. He escapes into a world where less is demanded of him. He likes work because it is so much simpler than a marriage. Grandma wasn't available to watch the kids, and Mom needed to get THE HELL OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Hello, projection.
I have had bad, BAD days. Layne and I have been total losers to each other. Even in public. Especially since having a child and little to no sleep. What I am trying to say is that could have been us. Yikesers!
But you don't need to like that man. Or the dynamic they created together. Maybe they are like that every day. That is sad and unfair to the kiddos. And while you can't know what kind of parent you will be until you meet your children (who are, of course, the unpredictable variable in family relationships), you can know what kind of (loose) standard you would like to uphold.
Also, the pregnant (mother) --> trapped association is not unfounded. But Landon is as trapped as I am. :) Sucker.
I love you both so much. Those are exactly the kind of honest thoughts I needed to hear. Also, I freaking need to come to Spokane and see you two. Maybe during Spring Break. I'll have some time off. :)
ReplyDeleteI actually have a much bigger problem with the woman than the man. Just the way that she worded her statement makes me think that she is choosing the position she is in. For whatever reason, it kind of sounds like she is isolating herself on purpose and choosing to make a distinction between "his people" and herself.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I'm sure he could have done more to include her, but if she didn't want to make an effort to connect with her husband's work friends, she should have stayed home. Or hired a babysitter. It seems backwards that she would come along if she didn't really want to make herself a part of things.
I'm sure there's more to this than meets the eye. But I honestly believe that having children is not the reason this woman and her husband relate the way they do. It's not the kids that are isolating her; it sounds like their attitudes are isolating both of them.
That's just my take.
COME VISIT, LISA! COME VISIT!
ReplyDeleteYes. Visit soon. Please, please, PLEEEEASE!
ReplyDelete