Near my home is a track.  Today I ran around it 12 times.  Well, actually, I ran around it 11 times.  Somewhere in the middle there I walked one lap.

That's three miles!  I am a superhero in my own mind today.

Contradictions

Things I may never reconcile within myself:

1)  I am capable of extraordinarily efficient and powerful self-motivation / I cannot sustain self-motivation to save my life.
2)  I love good music, good food and clean places / I have a strangely trashy alter-ego that leaves food wrappers around the house, listens to Celine Dion and can drink both PBR and Folgers with gusto.
3)  I have a group of intimate, beautiful friends who know and love me and who seek out my company / I sometimes feel left out and out of the loop.
4)  I get mired down in the details, lost and stuck  / I am gifted in the ability to see and understand the Big Picture.
5)  I sabotage myself / I empower myself.

All these are true.  Sometimes simultaneously.  And there are many others.  Will we ever cease to bewilder ourselves and one another?

Later, I stumbled to my bed

All alone in the branches

I laid in the dark

Thinking about all of my friends and their changes

My friends have changed so much.  Are changing so much.  They don't think the same things or the same way anymore.  They don't want the same things.  They don't look the same.  What do I look like?  How have I changed?  I have no idea.  But I lie in the dark and I think about it.  

Via Positiva.

Below you will find my "Via Negativa" post.  But that's not all I wanted to write about tonight.  It's a big part, but I'd like to write something positive as well.  Just don't miss that post down there.  I need some insightful and honest comments.

Last night we went to see The Head and The Heart.  Oh my goodness.  They were so great live.  So great.  I wish you could have been there with me.  Kierst just introduced us to them and I'm loving them more and more as I continue to learn about their music.

Rivers and Roads

A year from now we'll all be gone

All our friends will move away

And they're goin' to better places

But our friends will be gone away

Nothin' is at it has been

And I miss your face like hell

And I guess it's just as well

But I miss your face like hell

Been talkin' 'bout the way things change

And my family lives in a different state

If you don't know what to make of this

Then we will not relate

Said if you don't know what to make of this

Then we will not relate

Rivers and roads

Rivers and roads

Rivers 'til I reach you

There are happier songs too. :)  They're a very happy, dancey band.  But even their happy songs have depth to them.  One more.  And then that's it, I promise.  Don't judge me too badly for the Via Negativa.  But do what you have to do.  Say what you have to say.  I need it.

Listen to this song:  Ghosts

Via Negativa.

Peter and I got a gift certificate to Red Robin for Christmas, so we went there tonight and had a very nice time.  While we were waiting for our check to be processed I watched the large party at the long table next to us.  I think it was a going away party with work friends.  They were all women except for one man, who seemed to be a co-worker, and his family.  I started watching them when the first few women arrived, all older and very friendly with one another.  Then this family arrived and I watched them so intensely that I'm surprised no turned and glared at me.  The wife sat at the far corner of the table, with a small girl between her and her husband, who was seated next to and across from his co-workers.  Their two older sons(as in late and mid-elementary school) were seated at the end of the table with their mom.  Right away the couple made an interesting impression because the woman was tall and heavy and the man was very short and slight with a sort of little dog look about him.  He was engaged in conversation with his co-workers while his wife did her mom thing at the end of the table.  I instantly felt that she was very isolated over there.  She wasn't next to or even near any of the other women, and even her husband was separated from her by this tiny girl tot.  At one point he turned to say something to her and I overheard her say something like, "go ahead and talk to your people," which felt to me and my biased observation like a deliberate continuation of her isolation.

I know nothing about this woman and her life.  Why did I feel so struck by her position at the end of that table?  Maybe it comes back to that association I have in my mind with "pregnant" and "trapped."  She looked so boxed out.  Or would that be boxed in?

I wish I could watch some of you reading this. :)  You have such different associations with the word "pregnant" than I do.  I'm so glad.

Somehow though, I don't think this was about that for me.  I don't think it had anything to do with me wanting or not wanting kids someday.  Because that would never be me if I chose that route.  I would have left the kids with Grandma or stayed at home.  So, if not that, then what?

I didn't like that man.  I wanted him to move his wife over.  Be less a part of his office and more a part of his family.  I realize this is very unfair.  But I will never know him or tell him these things.  They're just in my head(and now on this blog).

Goodness, what was that all about?

Portland

I love my city.

SO MUCH.

Who's going to watch this show with me? Anyone? Anyone?

Bloody Knuckles

Every List has to have a title with O' in it. Don't ask me why. But judge for yourself: would you rather read a list called "List of Good Things," OR "List O' Good Things"???

That's what I thought.

First List O' 2011
1) Currently in my fridge is a six-pack of beer called "Moose Drool." Obviously it will be the best thing ever.
2) Yesterday Peter and I cleaned our apartment SO CLEAN and re-organized all of our closets. It took us all day, but I feel so much better about life now.
3) I just re-read all my London blogs (Ridiculous Ramblings) and had one of those lovely quiet re-remembering moments. There are so many little details that I had forgotten. I need to pull out my London journal this week.
4) During the month of December I had three jobs. This week is my first week without two of them and I feel like I've just clawed my way out of a dark, claustrophobic hole in the ground.
5) However, I know that when I have too much time on my hands I can't get anything done. Isn't that annoying? I get so much accomplished when I have no time. It's always been this way. I want to continue to wake up and move and be and get out of the house and feel productive, even as things are slowing down.

More to come. I need to go buy a space heater to put next to the pottery wheel so my husband's hands don't keep cracking open in our freezing second bedroom.

I have time to hang out now! Call me!