Brave Thoughts.

Today I read something that hit me in the heart and I want to share it.  I find it brave to kindly and gently say what you believe, especially when it's about something that can easily become so hateful.  This is what I read today.  I found it to be brave.  I found it to be full of grace.  And, perhaps surprisingly, I found it to be very important to me.  If you comment, please read twice.

Abortion, by Frederick Buechner

Speaking against abortion, someone has said, "No one should be denied access to the great feast of life," to which the rebuttal, obviously enough, is that life isn't much of a feast for the child born to people who don't want it or can't afford it or are one way or another incapable of taking care of it and will one way or another probably end up abusing or abandoning it.

And yet, and yet.  Who knows what treasure life may hold for even such a child as that, or what a treasure even such a child as that may grow up to become?  To bear a child even under the best of circumstances, or to abort a child even under the worst--the risks are hair-raising either way and the results incalculable.

How would Jesus himself decide, he who is hailed as Lord of Life and yet who says that it is not the ones who, like an abortionist, can kill the body we should fear but the ones who can kill body and soul together the way only the world into which it is born can kill the unloved, unwanted child (Matthew 10:28)?

There is perhaps no better illustration of the truth that in an imperfect world there are no perfect solutions.  All we can do, as Luther said, is sin bravely, which is to say (a) know that neither to have the child nor not to have the child is without the possibility of tragic consequences for everybody yet (b) be brave in knowing also that not even that can put us beyond the forgiving love of God.

Community Brainstorm

Have you ever noticed that the "talks" in movies never last as long as they would in real life?  A break-up talk, something that might last all night and be horrible and mean and sad, is less than two minutes in Movie Time.  Pretty much every time I watch a movie or see a show in which they have a serious conversation I find myself thinking, "that would last SO MUCH longer in reality."  Really, your reconciliation talk after much distrust and bitterness is only going to be a few phrases?  And you feel satisfied with that?  I wanna see a movie where they break-up for a whole episode.  Give me the exhausting, gut-wrenching, trivial, hour-long conversation where people say everything they say.

OK.

That's not what this post is about.  We don't need a community brainstorm about Movie Talks.

I want to hear what you do that is good for you this time of year when it gets dark and sad.  I want to know what keeps you hopeful, what brings you peace, what makes you brave.  I'm going to write down some of the things that I know help me hold onto sanity, but I would love for everyone who reads this and struggles with darkness to share as well.  Here goes:

1.  Running in the rain and the cold.  I feel like I battle the elements and come out stronger and better afterwards.

2.  Hot tea with a blanket and a good book.  But really, it's about allowing myself to be and not need to accomplish anything.

3.  A movie that gives me a means of catharsis.  Bawling my eyes out to Moulin Rouge is surprisingly helpful.

4.  Regular time with friends.

5 - 10.  Going to the beach.

Your turn please.

Winter Run

I have to be surprised by good runs.  If I start out thinking, "I'm going to do three loops," I'm doomed before I even start.  But if I think about running two loops, I can surprise myself with three.

I ran tonight and I got wet; it was cold and dark; the air was frosty.  Perfect running conditions.  I breathed deep and thought about running depression into the ground.  I thought about how next to the difficulty of marriage or a job, running up a hill is cake.  I reminded myself that my legs recover soon after the running is over.  They can handle a little shin ache.  I did lots of lunges and sweated badness out of my body.  I breathed in purpose and motivation.  I ran for health.  I ran for clarity.  I ran to just fucking get whatever it is out of my system.

3.6 miles.  Surprise!

Sunset at 4.40pm

I can't remember a prettier fall.  or a drier one.  There have been such breathtakingly beautiful, crisp autumn-y days this year.  I hardly feel that I'm in Portland.  I normally associate yellow with fall in Oregon, but I've been blessed with some rich reds near my house.  I love to kick leaves.  There is such a soul-satisfying rustling and crunching under my boots.

Yesterday though, I was driving up Bethany and a few of the trees were completely bare.  The others seemed for the first time as though they were weighted down with detritus that they were anxious to shed.  The leaves looked dirty to me.  I ached for the clean lines of naked branches.  I was ready for the last of the leaves to fall and wash away.  

O Winter.

I can't quite go there yet.  After Daylight Savings Time it got so dark in the evenings.  or late afternoons, rather. I don't like it.  

I'm trying to run out of doors.  I know that will be good for me.  I like to think of running as a Winter sport.  I hate running in the heat.  Hate Hate.  I love running in the cold; it feels right and good.  And I believe that it helps hold off depression.  or rather, that it gives me a tighter grip on perspective and sanity during the long, dark months.

(I know I have a "Winter post" every year.  This isn't it.  But it's getting closer.  I'm one beach trip away from full acceptance of this season.)  

Deep breaths everyone.  

Must Write!

There will be a question at the end of some of these Lisa-thoughts.  Please feel free to respond.  I just love comments!

We're getting another cat tomorrow. :)  Well, that is, it's kind of an adoptive situation.  I've been whispering to Eureka all week, "Enjoy these last few days on your own.  You're getting a new friend."  She is so soft and funny.  I would recognize her meow out of a sea of cat meows.  Everything is unique.  What is something you would recognize instantly even if it was from long ago or in an entirely different context?

There are some women on NPR with epic names:  Lourdes Garcia-Navarro, Soraya Sarhaddi Nelson, and Lakshmi Singh.  They affirm me and my name choice.  I love my name!  Do you like yours?  Why? :)

Whenever I'm sick I get very frustrated that I can't be more active.  But when I try to do very much I just feel icky.  I need to take care of myself.  But why is it that we often feel the most motivated to do things just when it is most impossible to do them?

I have a good music recommendation!  The Civil Wars.  Fun fact:  The voices are right in Kyle and Dena's ranges.  Kyle plays the guitar and they sing all the songs.  I have talented family. :)  Have you heard of any good bands recently?  Please tell me about them and why I should listen to them.

If you could do something you secretly like without fear of failing, what would you do?  I would dance hip-hop.  Also, I would wear short skirts.

Haiku:

I would like to learn
how to flip off of those play-
ground bars.  Scary fun!

lonely girl cat seeks
male cat friend who likes to curl
up in boxes.  Thor?

the bare arms of the
trees are peeping out along
my frosty drive home.

you should come visit
when my house is neat and the
tea is hot.  that's now. :)

BUS!

I rode the bus a lot today. I probably spent at least four hours on public transportation of one kind or another. And this is one thing I have noticed. People who stay silent on the bus seem way more interesting and smart than the people who are talking, especially if that person happens to be talking loudly on the phone. Take for example Bangs and Scarf Girl. BSG is very pretty. She has nice hair and lovely face. BSG seems mysterious; perhaps her thoughts are deep and meaningful. I find myself wanting to get to know her. Then, BSG picks up the phone.

"Oh my god, you will NOT believe who I saw today. Fucking Brandon. I know!"

Mystery - gone.
Deep and meaningful thoughts - probably never existed.
Thoughts of friendship - dashed.

le sigh.

Oh dear sweet BSG, why? Why?

I keep my mouth shut on the bus. Sometimes I smile slightly like something has gently amused me. I look out the window and think deep thoughts. Everyone wants to be my friend.

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

Halfway Up the Stairs

Oh man!  It is so good for me to read through past blogs and past journal entries.  I have thought and struggled and written and sung my way through some ridiculous times and and some hard, hard things.  I wrote once that the future hadn't been colored in yet and I couldn't find my markers: "no.  they're on the counter, but half of them dried up, and those were the pretty ones."  It's amazing that I once wrote that.  That was four years ago and I was in a bad, bad place.  These days, I am in a more colorful future than the one I then imagined.

I have so much that is good in my life these days.  Take for example, this lovely room I'm typing away in:  next to me is a bookcase full of wonderful and familiar friends.  In front of me is some good beer.  On my phone is a "goodnight, love" message from my remarkable husband.  I have a piano, which reminds me to practice for my voice lessons, which are a blessing.  We have a big couch that is perfect for canoodling while watching movies and equally great for drinking tea with friends and my cat.  In the corner is my library basket, full of books that I checked out to learn more about teaching kids drama.  Plus!  a heaping helping of delightful and beautiful children's books.  

Oh goodness.  I can't stop there.  I may have grown and moved on and out of some shitty times, but I can't begin to pretend that I know what I'm doing or that I understand life or the world or my own self much better than I did four years ago.  If anything, I have found more to be less certain about.  Does that make any sense? 

I keep finding myself thinking, "Life is so complicated."  I still am surprised at how limited and ignorant I can be when there is so much more to everything than what I initially see or understand.  I am so young and so silly.  I know practically nothing for certain.  And certainly those things I think I know are only pieces.  Pieces of truth or reality.  And I probably don't see how true or real they really are!  The best thing for me to do is hold everything loosely and ask a lot of questions and drink a lot of tea.  and listen.  and try not to think about what I think while someone else is talking.  That would be good.  I would see a lot more of this world's complexity if I would just shut up some of the time.

Still, I am working on it.  I wake up every day, alive and somehow coloring with these goddamn beautiful colors.