Halfway Up the Stairs

Oh man!  It is so good for me to read through past blogs and past journal entries.  I have thought and struggled and written and sung my way through some ridiculous times and and some hard, hard things.  I wrote once that the future hadn't been colored in yet and I couldn't find my markers: "no.  they're on the counter, but half of them dried up, and those were the pretty ones."  It's amazing that I once wrote that.  That was four years ago and I was in a bad, bad place.  These days, I am in a more colorful future than the one I then imagined.

I have so much that is good in my life these days.  Take for example, this lovely room I'm typing away in:  next to me is a bookcase full of wonderful and familiar friends.  In front of me is some good beer.  On my phone is a "goodnight, love" message from my remarkable husband.  I have a piano, which reminds me to practice for my voice lessons, which are a blessing.  We have a big couch that is perfect for canoodling while watching movies and equally great for drinking tea with friends and my cat.  In the corner is my library basket, full of books that I checked out to learn more about teaching kids drama.  Plus!  a heaping helping of delightful and beautiful children's books.  

Oh goodness.  I can't stop there.  I may have grown and moved on and out of some shitty times, but I can't begin to pretend that I know what I'm doing or that I understand life or the world or my own self much better than I did four years ago.  If anything, I have found more to be less certain about.  Does that make any sense? 

I keep finding myself thinking, "Life is so complicated."  I still am surprised at how limited and ignorant I can be when there is so much more to everything than what I initially see or understand.  I am so young and so silly.  I know practically nothing for certain.  And certainly those things I think I know are only pieces.  Pieces of truth or reality.  And I probably don't see how true or real they really are!  The best thing for me to do is hold everything loosely and ask a lot of questions and drink a lot of tea.  and listen.  and try not to think about what I think while someone else is talking.  That would be good.  I would see a lot more of this world's complexity if I would just shut up some of the time.

Still, I am working on it.  I wake up every day, alive and somehow coloring with these goddamn beautiful colors.