CHOICE.

I voted!  My ballot is all filled out and licked and sealed!

I feel smart and powerful when I help choose what happens and who controls what happens in my city and my state.

In my next post I'm going to do some quoting from Blueberry Girl, by Neil Gaiman and I want to explore the  feminine archetypes:  Maiden, Mother and Crone.

But today - my ballot is filled, I'm going to bed and I have some fun outdoor pictures to share.

Once Upon A Summer's Hike ...

... we challenge the men to recreate our pose.

They agree.  but only ...

... if they get to create the next pose.

They're a lot stronger than us.   

 Time Alone in the Wilderness:      

I'm closer to what I'm searching for when I'm alone in the wild.  I center down.  I walk and I think and I breathe deep.  And I wait for it to find me.                       

The Bull of the Woods Wilderness

oh woman / remember who you are / woman / it is the whole earth

This is Riley.  He will eat the bad guys.

Next week:  Archetypes!  Aren't you excited??

To Every Thing There Is A Season

I think it important not to deny things their time.  Even if that thing is uncomfortable or ugly.  Maybe especially if it is uncomfortable and ugly.

I've been mulling over some things recently.  Rolling them over in my mind like marbles between my fingers.  I know that in every journey there are no clean stages.  There is no magic line that you cross over from one phase to the next.  Often you find that it is

scootch, scootch, stall; scootch, stall, catastrophic reversal; bog, bog, scootch.

So, there is this messy journey.  And yet, I feel the need to place myself, to see where I am, to think about the other women who have been here and to ask them what they felt, what they experienced.

One thing I have identified is that I have felt angry and I have felt sad.  I was visited by Grief and filled with Rage while I  "stumbled down a maze / bewildered."  Then, I woke up.  Someone's thumbs covered my eyes and when I opened them again the world was ablaze with light.  There is Joy in knowing where you are, that you are not alone, that others have passed by, leaving candles to mark their presence in the wilderness.

Joy shakes me like the wind that lifts a sail,
Like the roistering wind
That laughs through stalwart pines.
It floods me like the sun
On rain-drenched trees
That flash silver and green. 

I abandon myself to joy -
I laugh - I sing.
Too long have I walked a desolate way,
Too long stumbled down a maze
Bewildered.                                            

by Clarissa Scott Delany

But it's a messy journey, yes?  And often the "catastrophic reversal" is not negative, it's just part of the process.  So, here I am again, full of Rage.  And I must give it its time under the sun.  I've been reading about the difference between Rage and Outrage.  Rage is internal.  Outrage is external.  Outrage can be turned into action.  And if you're careful, it can be guided by love and make change.

O, may my Rage become loving Outrage.

Why am I full of Rage and visited by Grief?  Because I've had my eyes opened to women.  I've begun to see how we've been oppressed, suppressed, lessened, brushed aside, and silenced.  And this is only the beginning.  I am a strong person, centered solidly in myself and I have not personally experienced all of this.  But I have gotten a whiff of it; I've tasted it.  And if those of us who are strong cannot fight for, speak for, stand up for those of us who are weak or silenced, then whatever are we gifted for?

It is so tempting to brush it aside, to see it as not that big of a deal.  But there are centuries and centuries of abuse that have shaped our consciousness, created a "normal" that is warped and wrong.  I've begun to see it and I am so angry and so so sad.

Today, I let that be.  I sit here; I stand here; I pace here, and I am filled with Rage and visited by Grief.

Denise Levertov comes stepping westward quietly, speaking to us

There is no savor
more sweet, more salt

than to be glad to be
what, woman,

and who, myself,
I am, a shadow

that grows longer as the sun
moves, drawn out

on a thread of wonder.
If I bear burdens

they begin to be remembered
as gifts, goods, a basket

of bread that hurts
my shoulders but closes me

in fragrance.  I can
eat as I go.

Lovely Sunday

Lots of coffee and tea, a big puzzle, a warm scarf with my pajamas all day, and endless episodes of Downton Abbey.  Call me lazy and indulgent, but make sure you add that I was blissfully so.

Power Struggle

Out at a coffee shop drinking tea this snowy morning a friend and I admitted that being in a relationship means consistently giving up power.  

Say you are someone who likes plans.  You enjoy going out to dinner with friends and you enjoy going home when you decided you would go home.  What was in your head comes to pass because you are master of your own destiny.  All of sudden, you find yourself in a relationship with someone who likes to go with the flow, who thinks that going to ice cream after dinner on a whim is so fun!  You realize that you are no longer the sole decision-maker, that this inconsiderate person saying YAY is the person wrenching that decision out of your hands.  You feel angry and confused and unprepared for ice cream.  

Or, take the reverse:  when you were single you liked to see where the night took you.  Once you were out, you were out until things died down or you got too tired to drive home.  Now, you're with someone who can't roll with the punches as easily as you can.  When, after dinner, your friends say, "Let's go to a bar!" you stop mid-YAY when you see your partner's distressed head shake.  Suddenly you feel weighted down by that person and their complete spontaneous ineptitude.  Are all your fun, unplanned adventurous nights behind you?

My friend and I are strong, independent, smart women.  We rocked singleness.  We loved being where we wanted to be when we wanted to be there and leaving when we were done.  We governed our own lives responsibly and well.  And now, we are learning that becoming someone's life-partner means loosening our white-knuckled grip on control.  Which is tough, since we know what is best and how it is best done.  It is hard to give up control and know that the other person might not use it wisely (according to us).   

Sometimes we're very unhappy about it.  But relationships aren't about making you happy all of the time.  Sometimes you will be very very bitter and unhappy about the loss of control and Head Honcho Status.  It's true.  

This is reality.  If you want to be on a team, you cannot make all of the decisions all of the time.  

Damn it.  

dreaming ...

Wouldn't it be crazy if lower-class, gay friendly, minority women were the voice of Christian faith in this country?

Dancing Sugar-less Plums

Yesterday in the car, Audrey and Henry and I were resolving to do and NOT do a lot of very important things.

Lisa:  "I resolve to not drop babies on their heads." (note:  this is not a habit of mine)
Henry:  "I resolve to not go in the men's bathroom if I'm a woman and not go in the woman's bathroom if I'm a man."
Audrey: "I resolve to love everyone in my life."

Audrey for the win.

One thing I am currently resolving to do with my in-laws Kiersten and Seth and my out-law Laura is not eat sugar for two weeks.  Think of it as a reset button after the holidays.  Unfortunately, sugars are in a lot of things.  The peanut butter I was spreading on crackers.  Milk.  Tomato soup.  So, I'm going to go with no obvious sugars.  No candy.  No frozen yogurt.  Peter is playing the part of the enforcer, which is something this extremely undisciplined woman needs from time to time.  He is making me start over every time I mess up, like yesterday at the frozen yogurt store when I deliberately ate chocolate yogurt.  Today, it was an absentminded handful of chocolate chips.  I claimed accident and pleaded need for progress, so he compromised by adding a day to the end of my two weeks rather than making me start from scratch.

Normally, I don't do resolutions.  September is a more natural start to the year for me.  My birthday is at the end of August, so thinking of each year starting in the fall as my age changes works better than the arbitrary January 1st date.  HOWEVER!  I have one resolution and it will be put to the test quickly. 

I want to remember and acknowledge birthdays.  Ben Van Raden and Drew Haskell were born January 6th.  I will call them and say "Happy Birthday!" 

Friends will get calls; Family will get cards.  That is the plan.  Challenging, but do-able.  And I will do it.  I will be that person that remembers birthdays. 

and I will keep away from sugars for the next two weeks. 

and not drop babies on their heads.

DEATH TO SUGARS!!!