Power Struggle

Out at a coffee shop drinking tea this snowy morning a friend and I admitted that being in a relationship means consistently giving up power.  

Say you are someone who likes plans.  You enjoy going out to dinner with friends and you enjoy going home when you decided you would go home.  What was in your head comes to pass because you are master of your own destiny.  All of sudden, you find yourself in a relationship with someone who likes to go with the flow, who thinks that going to ice cream after dinner on a whim is so fun!  You realize that you are no longer the sole decision-maker, that this inconsiderate person saying YAY is the person wrenching that decision out of your hands.  You feel angry and confused and unprepared for ice cream.  

Or, take the reverse:  when you were single you liked to see where the night took you.  Once you were out, you were out until things died down or you got too tired to drive home.  Now, you're with someone who can't roll with the punches as easily as you can.  When, after dinner, your friends say, "Let's go to a bar!" you stop mid-YAY when you see your partner's distressed head shake.  Suddenly you feel weighted down by that person and their complete spontaneous ineptitude.  Are all your fun, unplanned adventurous nights behind you?

My friend and I are strong, independent, smart women.  We rocked singleness.  We loved being where we wanted to be when we wanted to be there and leaving when we were done.  We governed our own lives responsibly and well.  And now, we are learning that becoming someone's life-partner means loosening our white-knuckled grip on control.  Which is tough, since we know what is best and how it is best done.  It is hard to give up control and know that the other person might not use it wisely (according to us).   

Sometimes we're very unhappy about it.  But relationships aren't about making you happy all of the time.  Sometimes you will be very very bitter and unhappy about the loss of control and Head Honcho Status.  It's true.  

This is reality.  If you want to be on a team, you cannot make all of the decisions all of the time.  

Damn it.