Head up, eyes open.

I've been reminded recently of how wide open my life is.  There's this beautiful Clarissa quote (there's always a beautiful Clarissa quote):

I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.

There's a sense that my life is moving once again.  There's another bend in the road as my old friend Anne would say.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed. The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals. - Kahlil Gibran

Part of my nerdy quote joy is finding connections.  I love this idea of blossoming into your life, of unfurling.  There's a sense of sweet anticipation to it.  So here I am, head up, eyes open, hiking happily toward that bend in the road.

Quoting!

I don't know why I love quotes so much!  Yes, I do.  It's because someone else has looked inside of me and said, here, let me put that thing into actual words rather than colors or feelings or sounds.  Or it's because I read something and I have that wonderful "aha!" or "yeah, yeah!" or "click!" moment.

Did you know that the "yeah, yeah!" or "click!" moment is what women's consciousness raising groups were all about?  Those moments when some other person shares from her own experience and something inside of you rises up and says, "YEAH, YEAH!"  I love those moments.  I live for those moments.  It's what I'm looking for when I read about women.

Back to quotes.  I have my little quote board to the side here so I can dip back into them at any point.  They allow me moments of divine clarity.  I eat them up.  Recently I read a book called Women Who Run With The Wolves by a woman named Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  She's a Jungian analyst and a cantadora, a storyteller.  In this book she unwraps old stories and pieces together the bones to help women rediscover their wild nature.  It's beautiful, helpful, fascinating and true.  Man, I love books.  This woman is also a quote machine!

Behold!  Clarissa gets her own quote board in this post:

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.”

“I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and you laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.” 

“Be wild; that is how to clear the river. The river does not flow in polluted, we manage that. The river does not dry up, we block it. If we want to allow it its freedom, we have to allow our ideational lives to be let loose, to stream, letting anything come, initially censoring nothing. That is creative life. It is made up of divine paradox. To create one must be willing to be stone stupid, to sit upon a throne on top of a jackass and spill rubies from one’s mouth. Then the river will flow, then we can stand in the stream of it raining down.” 

Clarissa shakes me up.  Clarissa makes me sit still.  Today, I'm thankful for the hard work that other women have done that allow me this moment on my couch or on my computer, going, "YEAH, YEAH!"

Searching for Sophia

The other day I read about a thought experiment at Harvard Divinity School in 1973, which was intended to raise male consciousness of how women feel in a world (or a religion) where language reflects only one gender.  The professor asked each student to imagine that he was the lone male in a classroom full of women in a completely feminine institution where he was expected to understand that feminine words apply equally to both men and women.

How would you feel if, "every time a professor says 'womankind' she means, of course, 'all humanity'?  When one enrolls in a seminar on 'The Doctrine of Woman' the professor intends at least to deal with men also.  When one sings of the Motherhood of God and the Sisterhood of Woman, one breathes a prayer that all men as well as women will come to experience true sisterhood."

Sometimes I have conversations in which I feel that I have to convince the person I'm talking to that not having inclusive religious language is harmful to women, that the patriarchy is real and that it gets me down.  After reading about this thought experiment, I see how absurd the situation would be if the roles were flipped.  Men, as they are today, would not stand for this.  They would be up in arms!  And yet women live with it everyday, many of them quietly, not realizing that there could be something else.  Many of them not wanting anything else.  But I do.  I want something else.  There should be an inclusive religious language that allows both men and women to relate to both male and female terms and images of the Divine.  Now, of course the Divine is neither male nor female; so really, what does it matter?  Ask the men in this thought experiment if they thought it mattered.  Amiright?

Now, it is a whole other conversation to talk about the difference between men and women and how much of one there really is.  Obviously, individuals cannot be defined solely by their gender.  But we cannot deny that our historical and cultural realities have been worlds apart.  And we women and our stories have been sadly misrepresented and overlooked.

I grew up learning the sacred stories of men and I believed that they applied to everyone, to "mankind."  I've since felt the loss of the point of view of women in those stories.  Where is the story of how Sarah felt and what she said when Abraham went to sacrifice her only child?  How did she relate to God?  What did she consider holy?  What were her sacred stories?  Where are the female sacred stories?

I want to learn all about Durga, who saved the world from the Buffalo Demon, first by cutting off his head and when that didn't defeat him, finally by piercing him through the heart.  I want to learn about the Shekinah, the female face of God in Jewish mysticism, and how she lead the Israelites through the desert.  I want to know more about Jesus-Sophia, Wisdom in human form.

It's not just women that need these stories.  When our perspective, our innate strengths are lost or dismissed, everyone suffers.  Men who are more relational and less success-oriented suffer.  Women who feel they must become men in order to compete for the things they want suffer.  Children suffer when they learn that linear thinking is the only way to be smart.

This conversation is huge and many wonderful writers have weighed in on it in countless venues and from many perspectives.  I am not capable of, nor do I wish  to tackle every element of this discussion.  I just want to know:

Where are the female sacred stories?

A Woman's Journey to God, by Jean Borysenko

You are at my side, dear friends, and God is everywhere.  Yet ultimately, we are alone, making our way home by the candle of the heart.  The light is steady and sure but extends only far enough to see the next step.  That there are steps beyond is a matter of faith.  That we have the faith to endure and walk our own journey - even when we think that we are lost - is a gift of grace, and of friendship.  Many times our light seems to go out.  But another light, one held by a stranger or a friend, a book or a song, a blackbird or a wildflower, comes close enough so that we can see our path by its light.  And in time we realize that the light we have borrowed was always also our own.

You're Welcome

Oh hey, just kicking gender norms to the curb.  What are you doing?

Capable

I didn't check my email this whole vacation week.  Not once!  It was amazing!  And then this evening, standing in my kitchen, making my dinner, I started to get anxious.  My mind began racing through all the things I need to make sure I'm on top of when I go back into work tomorrow.

Oh no!!  The red flashing alarm lights started going off in my head!  Sirens began whirring!

And then, all of a sudden, a golden thought arose.

"I could get all of that stuff done in an hour.  Before class starts, everything that is making me anxious right now could be taken care of."

There could be calamities in my inbox tomorrow morning. I'll take care of them.

There could be dramatic political shit that has developed while I'm gone.  I'll handle it.

Boom.

And it's not because it's easy stuff, thoughtless, or unimportant.  It's simply because I'm a fucking capable woman, bitch.

Childfree So Far

At this point in my life, I don't want to have children.  Thankfully, my husband is on board with this. Whew!  (I checked it out before we got married.  It's a good idea to know how the other person feels about these things before agreeing to do life together.)  Usually, when asked whether or not Peter and I are going to have kids, I answer with some variant of "Future Lisa and Peter can decide that."  I don't want to rule out the possibility of having kids, but right now I definitely don't want them.  And that may not ever change.

This isn't to say that I think deciding to have kids is a bad idea.  I have a hard time reading child-free blogs where the author spends all his or her (mostly her) time talking about how miserable people who have kids are.  Yes, having kids is stressful and time-consuming and mind-numbing at times, but I know that it can  be rich and joyful and fulfilling too.  I am not anti-kid, nor am I anti-other people having kids.  It's just a different choice.  And not one that I and my husband should feel obligated to make.  

This is where the conversation gets tricky.  I feel like many people will then try to convince me that I will change my mind or tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about.  For those of you who know me, those are some surefire ways to raise my hackles.  How should I know whether or not I will change my mind?  And what would be wrong if I didn't?  

Here are the most common reasons given for why we should decide to have kids:

1. We'd be great parents.  
2. We really like kids and get along with kids.  
3. We don't know what we're missing.  
4. There are things in life we'll never learn and ways we'll never grow if we don't have kids.
5. We'll regret it if we don't.

While some of these things are true - Peter and I love kids and are really great with them - I don't think these are good enough reasons to have children.  Here's the bottom line:  Peter and I should not have kids unless we really want to have them.  

I would like to respond in more depth to two of the above points now.  Bear with me.

The argument about regretting it if we don't have kids is, I think, a really dangerous one.  This one in particular should be banned from all conversations with women or men who are deciding whether or not to have children.  Parenting is not something you can try on or test before you buy.  Once you decide to be a parent, you can't quit.  Or rather, you shouldn't quit.  And while you will love your kids, you may discover that you don't enjoy parenting!  There is no way to know what you may or may not regret in life and having kids so that you won't regret not having them is among the worst reasons to have children.

The second dangerous argument is that I don't know what I'm missing.  Of course I don't know what I'm missing!  But that doesn't mean that our choice is bad or that our life will be less rich if we decide not to have kids.  It will be different!  And different does not mean better or worse.  It means different.  And maybe good.  It is possible (and okay!) to live a full, meaningful life without procreating.

This would be good time to mention that while I never get excited about having my own baby, I get ridiculously excited about being a real and adopted aunt.  I love love love the idea of being involved in the lives of the kids of my friends and family.  I am a drama teacher who is around kids of all ages every day.  I love kids.  Liking kids has never been the issue.  (Hint:  liking kids and wanting your own are separate things)

Once again, the bottom line:  unless Future Lisa and Future Peter reach a day where they discover that they want to have children, that they ache for their own kids, then we will remain child-free.  And that will be okay.